February 9, 2026 by Ekaterina Kuznetsova

I See Myself a Little More

My whole life, I’ve thought I knew myself. I did. However, that was only a part of me – the “adapted child” part. I’ve been working hard to be someone. Someone who’d be perceived as a “good “person: reliable, responsible, loyal, polite, and organised.

I’ve always worked hard, so that I’d live up to the expected results and behaviors. Sometimes, that wasn’t that hard: I’ve always naturally loved struc­ture, giving all of myself to whatever I was doing, and learning new things quickly. Sometimes, it was challenging and painful: when I wasn’t allowed to be slow or confused, to feel hurt and to not want to do something important others wished, or to hear comments about how I looked not the way someone would want (Note: My family is a very average loving and caring family: they’ve always meant well. Here I am talking about my subjective experiences and summarize things very roughly). At some point, I guess, I just stopped feeling much. Instead, I became very good at always logicing my way out of any complex or painful situation.

This way of being (performing in some sense, actually) has worked pretty well up until I was around 25 years old. Then, I suddenly started finding myself in tears, not always knowing what was going on. That’s how my journey towards “feeling” began. After years of self-exploration, life experiences, therapy, and counselling education, today I am finally able to SEE myself – the real me – a little bit better. What I found out is that I’m actually very sensitive, I feel a lot and I perceive a lot. My “rational and analytical” part is still there, and there’s also a part of me that feels and is more in touch with my body.

I love structure, routine, and clarity. It’s almost effortless for me to plan things and tick TODO boxes, to stick to my exercising habits, to do what I promise and create structure from chaos. That’s who I naturally am, and I do all those things this way out of joy and alignment, not out of fear or avoidance.

The side of me I was not quite able to fully see is the “highly sensitive Katya”. These are the aspects of me I did notice, but those that I’ve been often “wronged” for in multiple very small moments in early life. I’ve gradually learned to question the ways I was. Even though I’ve always been introspec­tive and I’ve known what felt good/right to me or not, I’ve learned to immediately question that. “There’s probably something wrong with me”; “I should’ve gotten it wrong”; “I’m surely missing something others understand,” – these were my thoughts. And the only thing that mattered and made me be me – my subjective emotional truth – my perceived reality – that was often dismissed. Paradoxically, I’ve always known myself quite well, but I’ve not been able to trust myself in that and thus show up in the outside world with my whole self (still not there, it’s a long process I appreciate being in).

So what’s the real Katya like? Now I am able to name it and allow myself to just be that. Without being in a constant battle of trying to be or be seen a certain way that’s been safe.

I am sensitive. I notice the undercurrents of states and emotions when sharing a dinner with a group of people. I sense slight changes in voice tones, energies, and body postures. I instantly feel when what someone says is not what they truly mean. AND I might be very wrong or ignorant of the hidden dynamics – when I get overwhelmed, or when I don’t feel safe enough emotionally and overthink.

I’m also sensitive to sensory stimuli and (perceived) environment. It can be very challenging for me to tolerate loud music, certain smells, and body sensations. I may have a hard time being in a crowded space or a space that somehow doesn’t feel good. I cannot fall asleep if my body position is not fully comfortable, I cannot even sit in an uncomfortable position for long. It may get very challenging for me when someone (whom I don’t choose or allow to) gets too close to me physically or touches me. When in those challenging situations, I feel trapped, I want to escape, or even shake it out sometimes.

I am very aware of my feelings and body sensations. Mostly, it’s a good thing that helps me stay mindful. AND sometimes I get entangled with my sensations, feelings, or thoughts. I may get stuck trying to explain them or work hard trying to fix them (in a desire to help myself feel better).

I can be slow. I may hang in some confusion for some time. I need to feel into things. I’m intuitive. AND my whole life I’ve been thinking of myself as someone very fast and rational, which still holds in some situations.

I’m not (yet) used to trusting my body and intuition, especially in conflict or crisis. I still may fall into overthinking and problem-solving, while I’m learning to get in touch with my “knowing”, without having to find logical reasoning for everything.

It can be uneasy for me to relax when with someone. A feeling of safety in contact with the other has been almost alien for me. I crave connection AND may struggle to actually be in that connection. That’s why I may sometimes come across very differently from what my true intention is.

I think a lot. I love reflecting, especially about myself and my place in this world. AND I deeply care for those reflections to help others feel seen, understood, and not alone.

I’ve been caring for others’ feelings (too much). It’s been terrifying to sometimes be the one who violates others’ personal boundaries or who is perceived as a “bad person”. It has been hard for me to stand up for myself or be assertive in conflicts. What’s been most important (and safe) – to always be the “good, regulated and caring” one. AND, now I see how trusting myself and openly communi­cating is the only way for the other get to know me really, and to have space and freedom to choose how to respond. In these moments, real authentic connection and trust are built – not as an end result, but as a process. This has been one of the most difficult moments for me: to be fully and openly me in connection. I notice small moments of change and what difference that makes in my relationships. That’s tremendous.

My dreams at nights are my biggest emotional processing engine. I face and revisit so many things when I sleep. At times, I wake up in tears, full of strong emotions, exhausted. Sometimes, I wake up calm and content. A lot of dots get connected for me in my sleep. I’ve been seeing my mum in very intense dreams with the same underlying story for years, before I was able to let some things about that relationship into my awareness. Often, I wake up with a clear and strong feeling of knowing what I need or am looking for.

There are days when I’m completely overwhelmed with strong feelings. I can’t fully explain them. It may be quite challenging to follow my agenda and tick the boxes on those days. I often choose to adjust my focus for such days: I follow my body and make space for the feelings. I like to go for a long walk or do a longer workout. I focus on noticing what comes up and acknowledging that it’s there.

My energy is not stable. There are days and hours when I feel low on my energy and cannot do much of what I planned to do. AND there are moments when I’ m changed and energized. I may complete the workload of the whole week in short periods of time then.

I like multitasking AND need to often switch my activities. I prefer to stand up for doing laundry, a stretch, a walk, or chores at least every hour. I absolutely love working a coffee places while being around people and life happening next to me, plus to enjoying good coffees, of course.

I love taking notes by hand and journaling. It helps let my feelings out, it helps me understand myself and get to more clarity. And I love the atmosphere of writing something at a cozy place.

I like to observe. When I’m taking a walk or sitting at a cafe. when I’m meeting with a group of people, or when I’m watching tennis. I often don’t feel a need to say much – just to listen and observe. I’d take what I see as an opening for a deeper reflection. And, more often these days, I’d share with someone close or in writing.

I live for deep conversations about life and human inner processes. I feel fully engaged in those moments. I feel fully myself. I love hearing people’s perspectives and sharing mine. AND sometimes I may go far and long while sharing something – some people would find this being “too much” for them.

It’s so good to finally meet and SEE me. It’s liberating. It’s relaxing. It’s energizing and exciting. I feel the JOY OF BEING ME.

And I can separate from that “me” also. I am free to choose to be something else. What I see is the true me, AND it also is just some part of who I could be. I don’t use “I’m a person who …” rigidly anymore. I am just more inclined to being certain ways, given my nature and history. AND I am also free to choose something else, to experiment with what’s in my best interest at any given moment. Without fighting for or against some way of being. Just being, flexibly, as a process, rather than a final fixed “product” or set of rules.

What do these reflections touch in you? Let’s talk. Let’s connect.